The enemy of the soul

​Growing up in my home was not always a pleasant experience for me.
My heart desired to be heard and understood.
I wanted to feel loved, seen, and known.  
When I did something wrong, the punishment felt harsh.
My heart hurt because the punishment felt unjust, and then I reacted and received more punishment. The negative outburst was my way of communicating my needs. This dynamic created an impenetrable wall in my heart, my way of controlling the person punishing me. My wall was a way of punishing her, keeping her out, and protecting myself.
The reaction to the unjust punishment, opened a way to accept a lie that something was wrong with me. This lie created shame.
While journaling and praying, I noticed one of my thought processes.
I wrote, "I wanted __________________, but ________________ happened".  
When my thoughts start with an expectation, I need to be careful.
I must acknowledge there is potential for disappointment and shutting down.
Most days, I am aware of this dynamic, but there are days when I get snagged and revert to my old ways.
It happens fast. The flesh desires to take over.
After this pattern was revealed, it allowed me to put myself in my mom's shoes and have understanding. I was able to have compassion for her and forgive her.
The contempt I had been experiencing in my heart was gone.
Just days later her health began to fail and she passed away a month later.
God’s timing is perfect. His grace is sufficient and AMAZING.