awake

I am awake, the lights are on. 
I heard a message from Andy Stanley in January 2023. At the end of his message, he shared how he surrenders to God EVERY day.
He said he opens his hands and prays:
Heavenly Father,
I surrender myself to you.
my hands, my feet,
my eyes, my ears,
my thoughts and my desires,
my hopes and my dreams,
my talents and my opportunities.
I surrender all.
Your will be done through me today.
After hearing this sermon, I decided to surrender every day using Andy's prayer. 
Within a few weeks, God allowed me to see what happens when I got disappointed. He showed me how I shut down and how depression and despair follow. He showed me how I turn from Him in these moments THEN turn to my flesh. This made sense since God is the life giver, and the flesh produces death.
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing. John15:5
The next thing He showed me was how I treated people. He showed me how I react when I disagree with them, or I don't get my way. I was horrified. Some special people that I love, and who love me, came to mind. I remember that day and how some choice words came out of my mouth. I went to them and apologized. He also showed me people in my life who were not healthy for me. He wanted love to be the basis for our relationships, not sin. I did some gardening.
God also showed me how I dealt with conflict. How I prefer to avoid, to ignore, and hope the problem will go away. God wants me to come to Him so we can deal with it together. A recent conflict took place with a longtime friend. After the conflict, I avoided dealing with it. Time passed and I faced it. I realized I didn't have peace in my heart to talk it through with the person. I was being wisely advised to go to him, but I didn't have peace. I surrendered it to God and prayed He provide the steps He wanted me to take. The next day I saw this person at church. I knew God had provided the opportunity and I couldn't run the other way. I needed to face it. The guy was sarcastic and a bit snarky. I was shown at that moment why I didn't have peace to meet with him. It affirmed why I had pulled away to begin with. 

It's been a little over a year since I started to surrender daily.
On February 13, 2024, I was listening to a lecture on John 15. As I listened, my thoughts wandered.
God began showing me this dynamic of shutting down and how it had begun when I was a child.
He showed me that as a child, I shut down to prevent further harm. That made sense to me. But at this moment, He showed me HE was safe and that I didn't need to shut down or pull away. Instead, I could lean into Him. As I was agreeing with what He was showing me, the next moment He showed me I went from a chrysalis to a butterfly. It was powerful and freeing. I really can't explain it any more than that.
It was the piece in the puzzle of shutting down that He wanted me to see.
He was showing me what it meant to STAY and abide with Him.
I was out for a walk six days later and decided to listen to something as I walked. I chose a teaching on Ephesians 3. As I listened, the teacher was putting into words what I had experienced while listening to the lecture on February 13th.  After the teaching ended and I was done with my walk, I looked down and there in front of me was a rock in the shape of a heart. I picked it up. It's a memory marker for me reminding me how much God loves me and delivered me from something that no longer serves me or others.
1 Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I talked like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 
I must continue to STAY, to abide with the Spirit and align myself with His ways, His Words, and His actions FOR THE GOOD OF ALL.