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August 2024
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AuthorMy name is Sue and I live in Colorado. I love Jesus and I follow Him. I started this blog three and half years ago as I sensed God inviting me to write a book. I was advised to start a blog. I decided this Fall 2023 to create a new platform to give the blog a fresh look. It feels more life giving than my original site. |
10/17/2024 0 Comments I can't UNSEE itI can't UNSEE it
"You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3 I love putting puzzles together. I get excited about opening a box of a new puzzle: the cardboard scent, the puzzle pieces and those that are stuck together. I assess and ask, "Am I up for the challenge? Do I have the capacity to put it together? Are the pieces too small? Are there too many pieces with the same color?" My life has been feeling this way lately. A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a family member. A few things she said were hurtful, and she broke trust. I was hurt and angry. I went for a walk to process it with the Lord. He revealed something I hadn't seen before. As my thoughts filled my mind rapidly, God showed me how unmet needs from my childhood are why I have expectations of others, and then disappointment follows when those needs aren't fulfilled. As I was piecing this together, I said out loud, "That's not healthy." Understanding how this puzzle piece fits together with the others has been a significant revelation. I can't 'unsee' it. This piece feels like the last piece of the puzzle. I thought more about my childhood, and God showed me that I wanted to rely on my mom for emotional support, but she wasn't available. Trusting in the Lord to meet my emotional needs seemed scary and intimidating, so I sought other people. One of them was this family member. Thirteen years ago, I began seeing a counselor named Jana. After several months of counseling, I asked the Lord, "What does Jana see, and probably others, that I'm not seeing?" Here is what He showed me: My hand was holding God's hand, and the other hand was reaching down, holding my husband's hand. He showed me that I was holding on to my husband for security when what I needed was Him. He was my husband. There was an unhealthy dependency. I couldn't 'unsee' what God showed me. Immediately, I "let go" of my husband's hand and said, "Jesus, You are my Lord and Savior." Everything in the room seemed to go silent. I've attached to people to satisfy the needs of my heart. Instead of seeking the Lord to meet my needs, I sought them from others. "You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3 I'm learning to stop, seek the Lord, and wait quietly for His provision. This shift has helped me discern between childhood and present needs and take necessary steps to address them. He has rescued me from difficult situations and guides and comforts me with His presence. I recall Jana's words occasionally, and her words help piece together what God wants me to see. "Such a time as this". Esther 4:14b Finishing a puzzle brings great satisfaction. Having this dynamic revealed and working through it makes it feel like I have completed a puzzle. I am thankful He revealed this to me.
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10/16/2024 0 Comments OptionsHave you ever planned a day for yourself? I have.
First, I make myself a latte. Then, I fill a bag with my journal, reading glasses, books, and pens. But then. What about going on a trip? You envision this trip filled with beautiful sights, time spent with the person you are going with, intimate interactions, peace, and doing everything you had on your list to do, but then. What about having a quiet evening at home? You have it all planned out. You have the stage set. You have all the pieces mapped out in your mind, but then. What about raising a family? You create what it will look like in your mind. There will be the perfect spouse, perfectly well-behaved children, no triggers, drama, horror, temper tantrums, amazing sensitive in-laws, but then. Life: If only life could be how I want or plan it! 1+1 = 2 When was the last time you planned or created something only to have the plan squashed by an interruption, unmet expectation, or distraction and then informed by disappointment that it didn't happen as you thought it would? Disappointment: The sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations. I am learning to recognize disappointment. If I'm not careful, I can easily get snagged and swept under by the wave of disappointment and held under it. Life can feel hopeless before it gets to a level of consciousness. It becomes a gift once I recognize it. Disappointment allows me to see what's in my heart. I get to see disappointment and deal with it. I remember an assignment a counselor gave me several years ago. She asked me to buy some magazines, a blank poster board, a glue stick and scissors. She said, "I want you to go through the magazines and tear out pictures that catch your attention. Then, I want you to cut out the pictures and make a collage on the poster board." I did what she asked me to do. As I did the exercise, I had no idea what the outcome would be or why she assigned it. But once I finished it, I was able to see things. It brought attention to what I enjoyed and what I was passionate about. This poster allowed me to see I have options. When disappointment comes my way, I am grateful when I recognize it and realize I can do something about it. I can pray and ask the Lord what He wants me to see and what He wants to do about it. This poster comes to mind occasionally when a wave of disappointment engulfs me. It has served as a reminder on many occasions. This verse is a great reminder as well: Philippians 4:8, Brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent and praiseworthy – think about such things. 10/1/2024 0 Comments If I Found a LetterIf I had found a letter written to myself, would I have been able to recognize when I wrote it and what might be in it?
Was there a fear of the unknown of what I had written? The letter was written to me by my past self. The first question would be, do I want to open it? I'd like to know where I was and when I wrote it. If it was written long ago, my past self may have been living with words of regret, shame, condemnation, anger, angst, and who knows what else. Was it written before I went to counseling and discovered what identity meant and what my true identity was? Was the letter written before I learned about boundaries? Was the letter written before I found freedom in the Lord? I might feel sad because I was upset over something and disagreed with what happened or how I handled a situation. I'd be curious about what was happening and how God walked me through situations. There have been great eye-opening and aha moments that brought significant change, and I wonder if those moments were in the letter. Was it during a period when I could see there was room for healthy decisions? Was I living in freedom or oppression? On the other hand, it could be affirming to read. I would read about becoming a grandmother and my five amazing grandchildren. I would read about hiking, cycling, and weightlifting classes. I would read about the blog I started and write about Jesus being my rescue and how God called me to do it. I'd be curious if I wrote about the circumstances I was facing and how God guided me through them. What season of my life was I in? Was it before or after I raised kids? Was it while I was in the middle of raising kids? Was it after they left for college or got married? Did I include how insecure I was about parenting? Would I include the disappointment I experienced throughout my life and how I discovered I could name disappointment and do something about it? I must gracefully and fully accept God's work in my life and rejoice in what He has done. When I was a young adult, I heard the quote, "God can do far more in six months than I could do in sixty years." Henry Blackaby said this in a study titled "Experiencing God." After I read this letter, I will hopefully be excited about the changes God has made in my life. I would rejoice in God for the grace and forgiveness He extended to me. I would be grateful for every winding road and challenging hill He had me climb. I'd worship God because HE NEVER GAVE UP ON ME AND DIDN'T FORSAKE ME. To GOD be the glory. After reading it, I would add a separate note and date it. I will save both notes and reread them before I die. 8/20/2024 0 Comments Fear of the UnknownIt was a mild, beautiful day in December. Pete and I decided it would be a great day to go to the park.
We invite our son, Jason, and his three children, our grandchildren, to go with us. It's a day to be outside and enjoy the fresh air. We invite our niece, Melissa, and her dog who live close by. The kids were running all over the place and having a good time. The dog was enjoying the open space and running after the ball. We were all throwing the football back and forth. The ball was thrown to me and as I reach up to try and catch it, my legs came out from underneath me. My head ricocheted off the ground. I rested for a few minutes, and then we left. I never gave it another thought. The next day, I experienced a bad headache and was very tired. My niece called a couple of days later, and her first question was, "how is your head doing?" I suddenly remembered what happened and it explained why I had a headache and why I was so tired. I had a minor concussion. Ten months later, I was out for one of my walks. I was almost home when my ears filled up with pressure. I couldn't walk straight, and I was dizzy. What just happened? It's so scary. A few seconds later it passes. I make it home. Over the next six months I have a few more episodes. I decide it's time to look into why this could be happening. I talk to one of my nieces who lives in Connecticut and is a physical therapist. She suggests I go to a physical therapist to see if the Epley maneuver is needed. If you have crystals dislodge in your ear, these symptoms can be present. The Epley maneuver will cause the crystals to move and return to where they came loose. They can perform preliminary tests to determine if this maneuver is needed and determine it isn't necessary and he sends me to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. The one I choose specializes in brains which is an added bonus. He asked me a lot of questions. One of them was, "Do you ever get headaches?" I said, "Only when I am dehydrated." He said, "Well, that is a brain response". I never thought of it being a brain response. He determines these episodes are vestibular migraines. Thankfully this type of migraine is not the type that leaves you debilitated, or that you have to take medication for. It passes within seconds, and I know to take it easy the rest of the day. I later learn that it's the brain letting you know that you're about to reach your limit and I need to take it easy. At the end of the appointment, I mentioned the head trauma I experienced several months prior. He was surprised I didn't share that with him when he first came in. I did share this information with his assistants that had asked me a lot of questions prior to him coming into the room. He explained that the brain has less capacity because of the brain injury. He sends me to get an MRI to rule out a tumor in the ear canal. The MRI shows that I have encephalomalacia. It is the softening of the brain tissue. YIKES! I start reading about it and have to stop. I decide to let the experts share with me what it is the next step. The neurologist read my MRI. She asked, "Did you have brain trauma four years ago?" I answered, "Yes, I fell off my bike. I wasn't wearing a helmet. The side of my head hit the pavement hard and I had a concussion." If I count the concussion I had when I was nine years old, that is three brain injuries. WOW! I asked her what was next. She said, "Nothing. We will wait and see if more symptoms show up." A year later, I scheduled an appointment with the ENT again to provide him my data I collected from the past year, and he said the most common cause of a vestibular migraine is dehydration. I've been drinking more water and had one in a year. I am grateful for that. I don't know what's next, but I know God is with me and He will provide for me. For now, I live! 8/8/2024 0 Comments Suitcase is PackedI love traveling and the adventure of researching the location I am going to. The questions start coming as time gets closer.
One of the tedious jobs is packing for the trip. What will the weather be? What sites are we planning to see? Who will we meet along the way? After planning many trips, I wrote and typed up a vacation list. I call it packing on paper. I print it out weeks in advance. I look at the 10-day weather forecast and plan outfits, shoes, necessities, and jewelry. I picked up my grandchildren to have a special day with them. As we began to talk, I was thinking about a suitcase and what was packed in it. I started talking to them about yesterday's happenings. I said, "Today is a fresh day filled with anticipation of joy, kindness, love, and compassion. If I come into the day with yesterday's stuff, it's like keeping dirty clothes in a suitcase with clean clothes. Eventually, everything will stink." I went into specifics at that point. My mind began to think about my attitude. What is stirring in my heart? What am I thinking about from yesterday? What was said or done that I haven't dealt with? These things are like dirty clothes if left unattended and not dealt with. They will permeate the rest of the suitcase, and everything will stink. My heart is the suitcase of who I am. If I allow yesterday's bad attitudes, unconfessed sin, and worries, they will contaminate my whole heart. When I hold on to sin and shame, it interferes with staying present and, holds me back from loving those I encounter. It muddies up the waters of my heart and creates a stench that is not pleasing to God or man. When I allow the Lord to purify my heart, I can love God, myself, and others. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 8/7/2024 0 Comments First-Time ObedienceA Sunday School class we attended thirty years ago covered parenting principles.
The teachers, Kevin and Kelly, introduced first-time obedience and the appeal process. With First-time obedience, the goal was for our children to obey the first time we asked, and asking them more than once meant we were teaching them to disobey. They could ask for an appeal if they wanted more information, time, or a different answer. It gave them space to vocalize what they needed if it was more time, clarification, or understanding. Jason and Daniel, aged eleven and seven, and we taught them the steps to apply this. Years later, I noticed a pattern where I could apply the First-time obedience principle. My thoughts can wreak havoc and this is when I need to take them captive. First-time obedience means I run to God. I must run to God with my fears, thoughts, actions, and reactions and let Him adjust my thinking to align with His. When I give in to my thoughts like this, I am not obedient to God. I'm not running to Him for peace. He wants my obedience because He wants calmness in my heart. He wants me to be still and know He is God. He wants to be the solution and answer to my fears. His desire is an obedient heart that keeps running back to Him. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts Psalm 139:23 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6 Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. ....fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2 I realized Jesus wants my heart at peace. I wasn't taking my anxious thoughts captive. I was using needless energy and time to obsess over something. He wants me to listen and obey as soon as He makes me aware of my needless, anxious thoughts. Jesus wants to be my rescue in these moments and pull me out of the mud and mire. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Psalm 69:14 8/2/2024 0 Comments The Bully Part IIIn my blog post, The Bully, I shared about my experience with fear and anxiety. The bully was the anxiety in my heart. God allowed me to see what was in my heart and why.
In The Bully, I mentioned that someone said, “Sue doesn’t dare confront me." God used this to show me that fear was ruling my heart. I love that He allowed me to see what He sees. Following this, I experienced the same discomfort as I was talking to someone. It caught my attention. I realized I needed to say, “Hey, can we back up a few sentences? You just said,’__________________________', Can we talk about this?" It was an open door to share and resolve a few things. I stepped into the conversation with courage, and we were able to dialogue about it. We both gained understanding and compassion for one another. A few weeks later, the same thing happened. It was with the person who said, “Sue doesn’t dare confront me.” God gave me a dress rehearsal with the person in the above situation. So I said, “Can we back up to what you just said.” God gave me the courage and the words to speak truth to this person. I can let things slide when I need to engage. I need to see it as an opportunity to grow my relationship with them. I can gain perspective and understanding. God is teaching me to be curious. When I ask questions, it allows me to hear their perspective. I might not know what is going on below the surface. What knowledge do I need to attain to gain an understanding of them and where they are at? What is going on with them that requires empathy? How can I respond in kindness to them? I gain new information. I can extend empathy, kindness, and compassion. I love that God showed me that I can trust Him in difficult situations where I can let Him navigate. He will show me if He wants me to confront. He will give me the perspective He wants me to have and provide the words He wants me to share. I can be courageous and let Him provide. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with His Spirit. Galatians 5:25 8/2/2024 0 Comments Love and PeaceIt’s a beautiful experience to bask in God’s presence. The noise and fretting cease. There is freedom, peace, and joy.
When I allow myself to get sucked into the vortex of the experience, the opposite happens. I pray, “Lord, show me what happened?” I must listen to what He shows me. My heart is overflowing with love. God extends His grace again. I must call sin by its proper name and not a more pleasing name. God doesn’t ignore my sin because He desires too much for me. I must pay attention and keep in step with His Spirit. I must walk according to His Spirit, not what I want to do. Pause right here. As I read my words, I see how consumed I am with what I do rather than being consumed by God. I need to cease striving and let God BE God. Let Him direct my steps rather than trying to figure out my next step. Let God be God instead of thinking I know better. Just stop and be loved. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author, and perfector of my faith, who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Hebrews 12:1,2 8/2/2024 0 Comments CuriousIt was August of 2022, and I took a hiking trip with my friend Bev.
We’ve been friends since we were in fourth grade. We both lived around the corner from each other in New York. In March of 1976, we were in eighth grade, and my dad announced we were moving to Florida. It was a sad time for me. We have been best friends since, regardless of the miles in between. As we approached our fortieth birthday, we decided to plan a hiking trip to Grand Tetons and Yellowstone National Park. After this trip, we decided to plan hiking trips for our decade birthdays. When we turned fifty, we went to Zion National Park. When we turned sixty, we went to Glacier National Park. While we were there, Bev shared some unsettling news with me that her mom had a nodule on her lung. I was shocked. My heart was heavy with grief as we processed together. During one of our dinners, she expressed her need to explore the whole concept of death. Alarms and whistles went off inside me, and I remember thinking, “I need to think about this and provide the answer.”. There was a nagging feeling inside me because I felt I needed to provide an answer for her. I used my blog to write about what I would share with her. I began to write. During one of my writing sessions, something was happening inside me. I STOPPED WRITING. I paused for a long time. I realized I had been carrying this burden as if it was mine. As I paused, I realized I didn’t need to do anything. I don’t recall her saying, “Sue, what are your thoughts about death?” Why did I feel this need to take this on as my quest? After pausing for several minutes, my focus began to shift. I thought about what was going on with her. How was she dealing with this news? Was she panic-stricken or anxious? Was she angry? How did this news affect her? What did she want to know about death? Was she trying to wrap her head around the thought of losing her mom, who she is very close with? She might have been thinking about her well-being after her mom passes away someday. It could be she was trying to imagine life without her mom. What did she want to figure out? Did she want to know what happens to a person after they die? Was she wondering about her death? In those pausing moments, I realized I hadn’t taken the time to explore this with her. I was too consumed with my response. What if I had taken the time to ask those questions and listen? It might have led me to a place of understanding and the greatest treasure of all, her heart. I can’t go to Glacier National Park today, but we can start a new conversation next time we talk. I can approach it differently and be curious. I can ask all those questions I didn’t ask last summer. I can discover how this is affecting her. I can discover new things about her by giving her time and space. All I need to do is LISTEN! 8/2/2024 0 Comments Me too!We are all in the same boat.
When we believe in Jesus, grace doesn't kick us out of His boat. Jesus invites us all in, and we sit at His table. Grace locks arms and says, "Let's do this. Let's go to the cross together and experience freedom, peace, love, and power." Jesus' presence burns like fire and is power. It's where anxiety, fear, depression, addictions, and strongholds, and CHAINS FALL OFF. Let's go, let's do it together. |